Not Expected

Expectations have been a common subject in a lot of conversations I have been a part of the last couple weeks. And though we all have different expectations, the process that each of us have to go through when expectations we have set need to be adjusted or doesn’t happen at all can look very similar. When you’ve tucked an idea, vision, or a goal into your heart and mind, it doesn’t always just transition or adjust easily. I know for me there is a mourning/processing stage that has to take place, even when I know the change is for the better. I tend to build dreams and visions around certain expectations that are very detailed and thought out. So all of those details also have to be shifted as well.    

I remember when we were sitting in the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor’s office and he shared that a c-section would be the safest way for me to deliver Allie due to her being in the top 99% for height and weight. As I sat there taking in the words that he said, my heart broke. Of course on a rational level I wanted to do whatever was best and safest for our baby girl but inside I was breaking. But I sat there calmly and told him, “I would much rather you cut me open than for her to potentially get stuck, dislocate her shoulder, break her clavicle, or the umbilical cord get pinched, preventing her from getting oxygen.” And I meant every word and somehow I kept my composure. 

So much so that on the way out of the office my hubby commented how proud he was of me. That he knew how important a natural birth was and how it surprised him to not see any tears.

He had no idea the foreshadowing he was stating as he said these words on the way to our car. 

The moment I got into the car, I lost it. I completely broke down. I was safely hidden in my car where my bright red face, running with tears and snot was safely tucked from most of the world. I was safe to cry over the pain of a very thought through and heart felt expectation. 

I had done so much research and felt such a tugging on my heart to do a natural birth. I knew all the benefits and wanted to give Allie the best entrance into the world that I could, and a natural birth, at the time, was the only option. 

I vaguely remember these words of scripture going through my heart and mind.

Proverbs 19:21 CSB - “Many plans are in a person’s heart, but the Lord’s decree will prevail.” 

I may have set my heart and mind on the way in which Allie was to enter the world but the Lord knew from her conception exactly how she would be born. In His great love and mercy He adjusted my expectation around month 4 so I would have time to process and accept my new reality. He also used this one change in expectation to have me to look over and reflect on other set expectations…

• Only breastmilk, no formula.
• Don’t cut the cord until all the blood had pumped through.
• Let her lay on me for that first hour, the golden hour.
• No bath until she got home.
• Born with worship music playing.
• Zach had to be in the room. 

In reviewing my expectations I realized that many of them didn’t matter as much as Allie being loved, fed, healthy, and safe.  At the end of the day all I expected and wanted in that delivery room was these 3 things. 

1. Do whatever was in the best interest of Allie to keep her safe, fed, healthy, and loved. 
2. Zach to be in the room with me. 
3. Worship music playing.

And you know what, those are the only things that came to fruition during Allie’s emergency c-section. As much as it sucked to have all my expectations removed, it took away one less struggle and heartbreak away while we both were in the hospital. 

Not having your expectations met are hard and can bring about a lot of emotions. Ranging from anger, confusion, and heartache. Please know that whenever any expectation doesn’t come to fruition that we have a good, good Father, who loves us dearly and works all things together for His glory and our good as it says here in Romans 8:28 CSB:

“We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.”

We can always trust God, no matter what expectations happen or don’t. God is the same today, tomorrow, and yesterday. Rest in Him when the expectations built have to adjust. We don’t know what tomorrow holds but He does.