I am sure we have all seen the videos of glasses filled with dirty water that is being poured into one glass from another glass and it continues like this until one glass starts having clean water poured in. Eventually this outside source of clean water removes all the dirt and the glass is now able to pour out clean water into the next glass.
This is representing the hurt, trauma, and patterns passed down from previous generations. Before becoming a momma I spent a lot of time working on myself, well, really trying to understand the emotions that I buried for years and years. These buried emotions are what drove my binge eating disorder and food addiction. I couldn’t allow myself to feel anything but being overstuffed in fear of having to actually feel and deal with a lot of bottled up emotions. Through therapy I learned a lot about myself and some really great tools to help me to be more responsive and less reactionary. I also had hoped that in doing this kind of hard work before becoming a wife and a momma I would be able to prevent passing down some of the hurtful traits that I experienced within my childhood. The biggest one for me, is that I would not pass down my unhealthy relationship with food to my future kiddos. And now having Allie, that is something that I pray and strive hard to do.
Looking back I see that my unhealthy behavior with food started from a very early age, 3 years old. You may say that is crazy and there is no way but I was taught to hide and eat food that I was not allowed to have in secret. I was born a very large baby and in trying to not make that a permanent characteristic of my life, my mom did what she thought was best and restricted a lot of foods from me. Such as fast food. However, my Mimi being a grandma and wanting to do what grandma’s do, spoil their grandbabies, would sneak me Happy Meals and have me run into my room to eat it quickly and in secret. This started a very long, hard, and painful road between me and feeding my body. Not that I believe or feel for one moment that either my parents or grandparents ever intended for this to take place. I have been given peace that my parents did what they
thought was best in trying to help me overcome my weight issues.
Since my weight has followed me all throughout my childhood, early adulthood, and even today. I have done a lot of work to understand the why behind the what of my weight and the eating disorder As an adult, I can now understand that fad diets and intense workouts are not going to be a long term solution to my weight loss.
Being overly restrictive and extremely intense in my workouts only leads to burn and binge outs. I have to do what is sustainable and nourishing the body that I have been given. All of me was hand crafted by the Lord and no matter the size I am, I need to remember that I was formed with great care and intention as it says here in Psalms 139:13-18 NKJV
“For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.”
I need to treat myself with kindness and honor the love that was poured out in creating me. A behavior that needs to be seen by Allie. Because Allie, like most children, learns our behaviors and treatment of self from watching us interact. I can tell Allie till I am blue in the face that her body is perfect just the way it is and that it is important to eat food that nourishes her body well. But, if I am not showing her that behavior and she is watching me talk down to myself constantly that will become her inner monologue. If she watches me go for hours and hours without eating or saying that I am still stuffed from my breakfast of an egg over tomato slices 7 hours later, she will start to wonder why she is hungry and needs so much food.
I am sure there will be plenty of my traits that will get passed on to Allie. She already has my dance moves. I have not set any goals or plans in trying to prevent all the traits, that I am not so crazy about, from being passed down to Allie. If that happens, that will be a miracle and only by the grace of God. Heck, if Allie can have a healthy relationship with food, that will be a miracle and only by the grace of God. All I can do, and it’s a lot, I am not trying to minimize it by saying all. But all I can do is ask for the Lord’s guidance and pray that Allie gets the absolute best parts of me and that I pass down less hurt, trauma, and poor patterns.
As I have said before and will say again, at the end of the day Allie is God’s daughter first and my daughter second. He knows her far better than I ever will and I have to stay in that place of humility in raising Allie. I must turn to God in all my moments of frustration, helplessness, and desperation because He is a good, good Father who graciously gives out wisdom. Allie was given to my hubby and I to raise and lay a good foundation. Our ability to lay that good foundation is only by the grace of God.
If you are wearing yourself thin trying to break all the behaviors from previous generations that you don’t want to pass on to your babies, lay them at the feet of Jesus. Ask the Lord for His wisdom and guidance in how best to raise your kiddos. Trust that the Lord will grant you His wisdom. Walk in the ways that the Lord leads you, even if they feel unknown and strange. We can rest in the truth that God knows the beginning, middle, and end.
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