Here we are again. It’s 2:45am (yes it is literally 2:45 in the morning and I am writing) and Allie is up. Not sure why she is up. Maybe it is because a cold front has come through, maybe it’s because she didn’t eat enough dinner, or maybe it’s because she had to go potty and wanted to use the potty. I’m not really sure why Allie is up but I feel like it is all my fault.
Maybe it is just me but in these moments where Allie is having a hard time, I feel like it is my fault. In this instance it’s my fault because I didn’t do enough to keep her warm or feed her enough at dinner. If it is due to needing to go potty, that I will take as a win and will wonder if I am holding her back because I haven’t transferred her crib into a bed yet. For 3:21 in the morning, my brain is incredibly gifted at it’s ability to kick out negativity.
I know that Allie waking up is not my fault and for whatever reason she is having a hard time staying asleep and that she needs me. And honestly, I am here for it. I am more than happy to give her the comfort and what she is needing because she won’t be crying out for me like this forever. I love these early morning snuggles and the way her head rests against my shoulder.
What I don’t love is these intrusive thoughts that make me feel like I am failing as a parent. These feelings that produce such fear that can have me tossing and turning until the alarm clock goes off. I guess that is why we can read so many scriptures that talk about fear and how God is not a God of fear. Here are just a few and some of my go-tos when I am struggling with fear.
1 Timothy 1:7 CSB (Christian Standard Bible)
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
Isaiah 41:10 CSB
“Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”
Joshua 1:9 CSB
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
God knew that we would struggle with fear. That we would face mole hills that in the face of fear would look like mountains to us. For me tonight, that mountain is mommahood. I’ve said this before and I will say it again, at the end of the day Allie is God’s daughter first. That is a truth that I rest in so often and have a feeling I always will rest in as Allie’s momma.
I am going to mess up and I have no doubt that I am going to fail at times. Thankfully God is already well aware of my humanness and my limitations. He has already factored that into the raising of Allie. None of what happens throughout our days or early mornings are a surprise to God.
And nothing I do can stop the will of God for Allie’s life. So I’m going to go to bed reciting these scriptures and telling fear to take a long walk off a short bridge. God’s got all of us in the palms of His hands. No matter what may come we are held and loved dearly by a good, good Father.
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