I don’t know about you but this week I feel like I was running at hyper-speed, or at least trying to at the start of the week. I was trying to make the most out of every second, of every minute, of the day. If I am going to do laundry then while that load is going, I can read Allie her devotional, open up the coffee maker to let it dry, put the loaf of bread in the oven, after the book I can do the dishes, and then maybe be able to make the bed before the load is done. And really the coffee maker should happen right after the laundry is put in and then the bread should go into the oven because that all can be drying and baking while I am reading Allie her Bible stories. But I should be starting her day off with the Bible, like I do my own and let the chores wait until after. But then I could not finish all these things I can get done while the laundry is going and I’ve wasted all that time….
Oh my gosh I am exhausted and starting to feel the panic rising up in my chest all over again. This is the kind of manic speed and multitasking my brain was in on Monday morning. I was trying to cram as much in a 2 hour window as I could before Allie and I headed out to the park for a play date. And then right after I got out of the shower and was going to get dressed I got hit with a panic attack. One of the worst panic attacks I’ve experienced. I have had a handful of them since my early twenties but this one was the longest.
Suddenly the room felt like it was spinning, my chest and stomach were tight, making it impossible to breathe. All the while my brain is screaming at me to just calm down because if you have a heart attack here on this bathroom floor, no one will know until your hubby comes home hours from now. Leaving your poor baby girl alone with just your decomposing body here on the bathroom floor. And of all the things you can do, you CANNOT do that!
And that fear was driving some serious additional panic. However, it all started to subside when one of the mommas I was meeting at the park came over. Knowing someone was coming by to be with my baby if I died, switched off the panic. And I was left with the exhaustion and crash that follows a panic attack. And my hubby and friends all asked the same question, “Do you know why you had this panic attack?” Went through the steps of my morning, how many cups of coffee I had consumed, if I ate breakfast, etc. And I really couldn’t think of a single reason why I had a panic attack. So I did what I do when I don’t have an answer, I pray. I began to seek the Lord, as it says to do in Jeremiah 29:12-13 CSB
“12 You will call to me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart.”
I began asking the Lord to reveal to me why I had a panic attack. What was leading up to that moment, what was I missing? And then He showed me. All those items I typed in the beginning paragraph, all the items I was trying to strategically cram into a 2 hour window so as to not “lose out” on any part of my day. Trying to be everywhere and do everything. Saying yes to a play date because I want Allie to spend time with friends and I need the time with another momma but feeling guilty because in doing that I am not getting so much done at home that I need to get done.
And then the Lord asked me, “Did I tell you all those things needed to be done today? Have I placed all these items on your plate? Or have I told you that my burden is light and yolk is easy. Have I told you that I will be with you always? Why, sweet child, are you trying to do all of this without me? I want to be in these moments with you. I have already crafted out the details for today and have it all figured out, if you will only invite me in.”
I hadn’t asked the Lord into my day. I hadn’t asked Him what He was calling of me to do and focus on that day. I have this version of myself in my head of what I should look like as a wife and a momma. And on top of that the list of items I need to get accomplished within a day as a stay at home momma. Many of which are self assigned because it makes me feel worthy.
I don’t know if you can relate to that feeling, but if you do something both of us need to remember that our worth is not found in what we do or don’t get done within a day. Our worth is found in the price that Christ paid for us on the cross. Christ loved us so deeply that even while we were sinners He died on the cross, paying the price for all of our sins.
~ Romans 5:6-8
“ For while we were still helpless, at the right time, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For rarely will someone die for a just person—though for a good person perhaps someone might even dare to die. 8 But God proves his own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
We are God’s workmanship, crafted in His hands as it says here in Ephesians 2:10
“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared ahead of time for us to do.”
And as it says above for the good works, which God has prepared ahead of time for us to do. God already has the road and load determined for each of us. And we serve a pretty good God, who loves His children. I don’t think I nor any of us need to add additional items to our plate outside of what the Lord is calling us to do. Please, don’t learn this lesson the hard way multiple times like I have. I really want to show Allie that her worth is found in the Lord and nothing more. And since she is an awful lot like me, I am guessing that saying those words to her will mean a whole lot less than watching me live my life that way.
Not to mention what the Lord has for me to do within any given moment of any given day is more than enough.
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