The other night I woke up around 1-2 in the morning and I could not go back to sleep to save my life. I doomed scrolled on my phone for a little over an hour before I decided to get up, grab my book and go read on the couch. As I was sitting in our dimly lit living room I began to read and the chapter was all about mom’s not having to do it all. I got only a couple of pages into the chapter before I put down the book and just began to cry. Sitting alone in my living room in the early morning hours, I just ugly cried. I cried because in that moment I felt invisible and like I was fading away. I felt like all I was good for within my home were the tasks I completed each day and nothing more. I felt like if my family were to wake up in the morning the only reason they would notice I was gone would be due to the coffee not brewed and Allie’s cup of milk unpoured. So I sat there and I cried and prayed. I knew deep down what I was feeling wasn’t true but I just didn’t have the energy to fight the way I was feeling.
Have you ever been there?? Please tell me I am not the only one…
It wasn’t until weeks later that I realized that my crying session was brought about by the weight of my mental load and the pressure I was applying to myself to maintain that load perfectly and solo. Being a stay at home mom, I often feel that I have to earn my keep since I am not bringing in any monetary value at the moment. And no, this is not pressure or an expectation put on me by my loving hubby, this is all created within the wonderful mass sitting atop my shoulders. Feeling that I have to earn my keep has been something I have struggled with all my life, or at least as long as I can remember. And it has been something I have been actively working on since around the age of 25 which was several years ago. Something about becoming a momma, surviving postpartum, and trying to rediscover who I am sent all the tools I learned to combat this right out the
window.
And I created some very high and pretty unrealistic expectations for myself in what my day to day life should look like as a stay at home mom.
Now a lot of these expectations, like a perfectly cleaned home and dinner ready when my hubby walks through the door, were pretty easy to set and maintain before our daughter was on the move. Once she got mobile though, it became increasingly difficult for me to maintain my own self set standard. The beautiful chart on the fridge that lists out the daily home maintenance items began to mock me every time I would look at it and the number of items not marked as complete. I have seriously considered chucking this to-do list right out the sliding glass door more than once. (It is getting a makeover soon.)
The more days that went by between getting everything done the same day, the more frustrated I became with myself and honestly, my hubby and daughter. Though none of the frustration I was feeling was their fault, it was my own internal anger and disappointment being redirected to all other household members because I didn’t have time to figure out what I was feeling…Well I wasn’t taking the time to process what I was feeling because I was putting everything above my own needs, feeling that is what a good momma does. Moms don’t sacrifice time away from their family and their homes to process what is going on within them, no moms just keep going. At least that was the kind of mom I had set the expectation for myself to be, though that isn’t realistic in the long term.
So I am trying to extend grace to myself and let the non-important things go as best as I can. Also, I have taken my hubby up on his offer to spend time with Allie out of the house for a couple hours a week so I can have some time to just myself, to do anything but chores. I’m also working on sharing some of my mental load with my hubby, because his way may be different than mine but the results are pretty much the same and that’s all that really matters.
I’m not gonna lie, I am still struggling with the adjustments being made to the version of mom I expected of myself and accepting that I am doing a lot staying home and keeping our toddler alive, even if that means the dishes aren’t done. But it is getting better, slowly but surely.
Mommas there is a lot of pressure put on us that is outside of our control, so if you are feeling the weight of falling short from the expectations you set for yourself, maybe it is time to reevaluate and make some adjustments. Maybe it is time to ask for help and discuss with your hubby what that help can look like, even if that help looks like taking the kiddos out for a couple hours a week. Great mommas can have some dirty dishes in the sink and still be great.
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Hi Morgan,
Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing this post. You certainly are not alone.