Community Support

I have a little confession to make… I have been very hesitant and resistant to making any new mom friends since having Allie. Between postpartum and trying to figure out who I am now that I am a mom, I just didn’t have any desire to try and be social. I already have a really great circle of friends. Why would I need more? Plus making friends as an adult is hard enough, without having to attend to the needs of a new baby or chasing after a toddler. Not to mention the thought of trying to connect with another mom, made my anxiety go sky high and had my brain kicking out a ton of weighted questions like…

• What if our parenting styles don’t align, can our kids still be friends?
• What if she is mortified that Allie eats food that isn’t 100% organic?
• How much is she going to judge me for rocking shorts and a shirt 98% of the time?
• What happens if Allie hits her child or her child hits Allie?

I could go on but I’m pretty sure you get the picture. 

Trying to make friends after having a baby is a whole new world, a scary world. And now I am not only trying to determine if the person is someone I want within my circle but also around my daughter. Which just added so much weight to the idea of making a friend that it was crippling. Basically the first year of Allie’s life and my journey in becoming a momma we didn’t leave the house much. We would see my friends that I had pre-mommahood and we loved those get togethers. I was blessed to have friends who also had kiddos around Allie’s age and the get-togethers with them were so good for me because they just understood the chaos that comes with babies. I don’t feel the pressure to apologize or clean up the house beforehand, like I do with my friends that don’t have kids. And please understand that my friends that don’t have kiddos have not made me feel like I need to apologize or clean. It's just my own crazy that has me comparing myself to who I was before Allie and that makes me feel like I need to do these things. Whereas my friends that have kiddos I don’t put that kind of pressure on myself because every mom just gets the chaos because we are all living it. 

And you would think these weekend playdates would have been an indicator to me of the importance of having mom friends that lived where we lived and are in the same season of life so we could have more playdates during the week. But no, I choose to ignore all of that, for way too long. It wasn’t until my sister lovingly called me out and spoke truth through all of my fears that got us back in church and building our community where we lived. It was then that I started making some new mom friends. 

I will confess the first month to month and a half of going back to church I was a ball of nerves. Then when we would get to church I also was battling the judgement that I was perceiving from other moms when sitting in the family room. Both my anxiety and the judgement I was perceiving weren’t based in truth. I was dealing with my own struggle in putting my baby out into a place that wasn’t known by me or my hubby and for the first time being around moms that parented differently than me. So though the first 6 weeks were really hard and I felt exhausted everytime we would get home, I am so glad that I pushed through. Not only have I made some great connections with other mommas but my hubby has connected to other dads and Allie’s circle of friends has grown. These connections have happened kind of organically. One of the many perks in having a toddler is that she will make the move first to make a new friend, though that move typically is just standing a few feet away and staring, it still is the first move. Having my baby staring at another toddler always leads to me introducing Allie and then myself to the mom of the toddler being stared down. This introduction with some moms leads to a chuckle and that is it and then with others the laughter turns into conversation, sharing of names, phone numbers and then usually the request from one of us for a playdate, especially when the kiddos hit it off. 

So though I was terrified and adamant that I didn’t need any new mom friends, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Making these new connections has grown our family’s community in ways I couldn’t have dreamed of. And yes, we all parent a little differently and have our own personal preferences with our kiddos. They don’t seem to matter because at the heart, we are all just mommas trying to do what we feel is best for our babies, in whatever way possible. With these moms the differences aren’t causes for division but conversation. I understand that may not always be the response with other moms we meet but those are relationships that don’t have to be forged. Not everyone I’ll meet will grow into a friendship and that’s okay. The women I meet where the friendship just grows easily and organically are the ones I’ll pour into. I don’t have time in this season to start a new relationship that is going to be hard or require tons of effort, all of that energy is sucked up in trying to keep my toddler alive. 

And though the start of stepping out and putting myself in new places and situations was really hard, I can’t encourage you enough to build your community of mommas. If you don’t have a group of women around you to live life with you during this season of mommahood I highly encourage you to find ways to meet other moms that are in this same season as you. Maybe it’s time to go back to church and enjoy service from the family room or attend some free activities at the library. Or even going to the park, I see the same moms there week in and week out. And don’t put the focus on making friends, just go and enjoy the experience with your baby. The friendships will develop organically and overtime. Having a strong group of mommas around you, that understand this season and can rally alongside each other is so so important.