My Safety Net

Has anyone else noticed how hard it is to parent your child outside of your home? I am not just speaking in terms of correcting behaviors but just the moment by moment messes a toddler brings into the world. I am fully aware that our daughter is going to be exploring the world through play and that means it will be messy. I also grasp that she will be testing every boundary known to man and trying to assert her authority. A very normal stage of development and one that she should be going through. However, all of my understanding and grace seems to wear really thin when she exerts these traits outside of our home. 

For example, we had dinner at my sister’s the other night, homemade spaghetti and meatballs. Allie normally eats great at her Auntie and Uncle’s house but this night she wouldn’t touch a single piece of her dinner and in the process of proving this point to me she threw a piece of meatball off her high chair, which then proceeded to bounce off the tan chair cushion before hitting the floor. All of the grace and patience that I usually can give went right out the door as I saw the nickel size stain caused by the red sauce. I instantly started apologizing to my sister and of course she said it was no big deal, but it felt huge in my brain. My brother-in-law, knowing me as well as he does, got up and grabbed the cleaner and got out the stain no problem because the cushion had a scotch guard on it. Which shouldn’t surprise me. They are seasoned parents of 4 kiddos and they have experienced every mess known to man by a toddler. 

Now Allie throwing food off her plate isn’t a new behavior, it is one she does at home and one we work on together a lot. We don’t require that Allie eat all of her food and when she is done with something she needs to place it on the table or hand it to my hubby or myself. Do I particularly care for her throwing food on the floor at our home, no, but it doesn’t bother me too much because the mess is in our home. It is when she brings the mess into other’s homes, that it really starts to bother me because my mind starts saying things like…

• They didn’t agree to having their home destroyed by your toddler.
• I bet they think you two are just horrible parents that let her push you around.
• Wow, some kind of mom you are. Look at the kid you are raising.

And these wonderful thoughts aren’t just for the moments out of the home where Allie makes a mess while eating but also when she is swatting or yelling at me, her dada, or other kiddos. Again these are normal behaviors and ones we are working together to correct, it just takes time. Our daughter’s world is expanding in great leaps day by day and as her pediatrician warned us, her emotions are superseding her physical abilities and that leads to great frustration. In these moments of frustration, where our almost 17 month old is unable to communicate what she is experiencing, it leads to yelling and/or swatting in the moment. My patience and understanding level with Allie is much greater at home, not saying these behaviors don’t drive me crazy or get under my skin, they do. But we are in the safety of our own home, away from the eyes of others. Who I naturally assume are judging us. Which is crazy because when I am out of the house and see a momma having a hard time, I don’t judge her. My heart goes out to her and if I have the opportunity to speak to her, I tell her she is doing a great job!

So why on oh why do I start hearing all this judgement within my own head? Because I am embarrassed and feel like my hands are tied. The tools I use at home that work best for Allie, in correcting these behaviors don’t really work outside of the home. I feel like I just have to deal with the behavior or leave, neither of which are great options. So I have been praying and working on new techniques to help calm Allie and myself in these moments that are a bit more versatile. For example, if we are at church and Allie starts to swat at her friends or me, I remove both of us from the room so there is a pause, a conversation, and a reset. If we are at Uncle’s and Auntie’s house it is the same thing. Thankfully, my sweet girl has a bad case of fomo and doesn’t like being removed from her friends or family. This removal also, seems to help snap her out of the behavior pattern she is stuck in. Plus, it gives me the relief of being removed from my own self judgement so I can respond to the behavior versus reacting and just trying to stop the behavior. It also gives me a space to pray and breath, which is so needed during this season of toddlerhood. If you are facing similar struggles with your kiddo(s), know that you are not alone. Per usual, I highly encourage you to pray for the solutions that would work best for your kiddo(s) and you in correcting and responding to behaviors outside of the home.