Non-Negotiables

The other day I was at a library with a new mom friend and she was asking me about Allie’s birth and all that I went through. In having that conversation it got me thinking about all the grand plans and visions I had in raising this beautiful little girl. 

While our daughter was growing within my belly, I imagined a hard but beautiful natural birth. The months leading up to her due date, I worked on my breathing and how to calm myself down while holding ice cubes for as long as I could. I would have my hubby squeeze my thighs as hard as he could and in a way that would mimic the flow of contractions so that we both could be prepared for a natural birth. I imagined getting to hold our baby girl with her umbilical still intact until all the blood had completely flowed through before cutting it. I imagined her first bath being at home and had dreams of her sleeping next to me in the hospital bed, while my hubby was passed out on the hospital couch. And as you all know, none of those plans came to fruition. 

I also imagined nursing my baby until she was 2 years old if possible, and at minimum 18 months. However, with all her front teeth starting to come in around 4 months, nursing became very painful for her. All the milk supply I had built up in the freezer would dwindle on the days that nursing was too painful. But then she would nurse again and I would be able to rebuild my supply only to have the same routine take place a few weeks later. Then came the introduction to solids and around 9-10 months, my baby looked at my milk as a drink and not a source of food any more. She also had no desire to take the time to nurse because all she wanted was to eat and then be on the go. For weeks I would try to nurse her several times a day to only have her latch, bite down, tug away, and then wiggling to get down out of my arms. I would try different nursing positions, nursing in different rooms, and the only time I might get her to nurse would be first thing in the morning or the middle of the night wake ups. But those also stopped due to my milk supply decreasing and no matter how much I pumped, or the amount of milk increasing supplements I consumed, my milk supply wouldn’t increase. I pumped every 3 hours the months before Allie turned one, despite the fact that all this pumping was causing an eczema outbreak on my chest. So, with the wise counsel of my hubby and sister, I started to transition Allie to cow’s milk the weeks leading up to her first birthday. And the day of her birthday, was the day I stopped pumping, though it broke my heart, trying to force Allie to nurse was just as heartbreaking.

Before our daughter was born, I had all the plans in place to continue working from home. And that came crashing down all within the first week of going back to work. Not because I couldn't handle working and keeping our newborn alive but because Allie was suffering. Within the first 2 days of me being back at work, she went from sleeping regularly to only sleeping in shorts burst on my chest or my hubby’s. The baby girl who loved being with her daddy by day three was inconsolable in his arms. And by Friday, she was refusing to nurse. I had thought that working from home would work out great with our daughter due to everything staying the same for the most part. Man oh man was I wrong. That following Monday, I gave my two weeks notice because both my hubby and I couldn’t ignore the calling on our hearts that I was to stay home and raise our daughter. Again not what I had planned.

So many plans and visions that were crafted and designed before our daughter came into this world that didn’t come to fruition. I often feel when I share my grand visions and dreams with God, that God taps me on the head saying in the most loving way, “Oh, you are cute.” Not because He doesn’t care about my plans but because I am finite. I can only see what is in front of me at this very moment. I do not have the ability to see into the future or know what the next minute, let alone hour will hold. God knows the beginning, middle, and end. His plans are always for His glory and my good. And yet I still make my plans, praying that if these plans align with the Lord’s will they be done. I am grateful that amidst all my planning and dreaming around Allie, God placed a few non-negotiables on my heart. 

1). Seek the Lord for His wisdom in all decisions around our daughter.

2). Love, love, love

3). To do whatever was best for our daughter.

4). Have an abundance of grace for not only our daughter but also for my hubby and myself in this process.

These non-negotiables have stayed true through every unplanned moment. I may not have gotten the birth I wanted but Allie was brought into this world with all the love and in the safest way possible, given the circumstances. And though I didn’t get to nurse her for as long as I wanted, trying to force my will on my daughter wouldn’t be doing what is best for her. At the core of all my plans, I want to do what helps Allie grow into the woman that God created her to be. As I am sure that is what all mommas want for their babies. So though many, many moments may not go as planned for me or for you in this journey, my hope and prayer is that we remember raising these little ones isn’t about us or our plans. Raising up our children is about laying a strong foundation in the Lord, an overflow of love, doing what is in their best interest (even when it means laying aside our plans), and resting in God’s grace as we grow and change together.