Unexpected Healing

Before our daughter was born I imagined the kind of dad my hubby would be. I could see him loving our children just as strongly as he would be goofing off with them. I could see my hubby squatting down to be at eye level with our future children to explain the situation in a way that they would be able to understand. I could also envision him and the kiddos ganging up on me to play harmless pranks. In all of my envisioning of the future, nothing comes close to the reality that I see today. The way my hubby loves our daughter blows me away. As a woman who was raised by an alcoholic father there is a type of healing that takes place in my heart seeing just how much my husband love’s Allie. I know my dad loves me, that is something I haven’t questioned. I have questioned how someone could love you and still cause such pain. As an adult and having my own personal experience with a food addiction, I can understand that addictions make people behave in ways they wouldn’t normally. My dad loves me to the best of his ability and the core of who my dad is outside of the addiction is an amazing man. However, those two facts don’t heal the hurt. I never could have imagined seeing my husband put the well being of our daughter first and doing what was best for her, even when it’s hard, would bring that healing. 

I no longer have to worry that my daughter will have the same heartache that I did as a kid. Or worry that she will have to fight to be seen, while also trying to be invisible. Allie will grow up knowing that she is deeply loved and seen by her dada. And though my husband will make his fair share of mistakes and may cause our daughter pain, I can rest in knowing that he will put aside his pride and own up to those mistakes. Allie will get a heartfelt apology from her dad when mistakes are made. I also find peace in knowing that when it comes time for Allie to develop her own personal relationship with the Lord she won’t look to Him as someone waiting for her to make a mistake or see fits of anger when mistakes are made. It has been said that our earthly father’s set up the first impressions we have of our Heavenly Father, and that was true for me. It took me getting to the very worst place of my food addiction, before I would truly lay it all at the Lord’s feet. Because for the first time in my life, the fear I had of the Lord’s anger was trumped by the suicidal thoughts I had. The way I envisioned the Lord’s anger could not be any worse than the way I felt in that moment. And to my surprise the Lord was not angry with me, but heartbroken by the state I was in. The Lord met me with such a gentleness and loving-ness that brought me to tears. 

So if you are like me and have pain caused by your dad, please know that your Heavenly Father is not the same. And maybe, the way you are blessed in seeing your husband love your child or children can bring some healing to the pain that may have been caused by your dad. I hope so, that healing wasn’t something I expected but is something I am so thankful for.